I’ve been trying especially hard of late
To smile more and be calm
It would be easier if I could find portended
In some tea leaves or my palm
A hint that rosiness was predicted by some seer, monk or guru
Or
That, at least, I could resist the urge to watch mindless crap on Hulu
Because dumbed-down, daily distraction
Of the numbing TV sort
Is where I find escape from all the yelling, (in my head)
That I fear may soon resort
To Tourette-like random ranting
Which embarrasses my cats
It’s hard enough just getting older
In spite of AARP and no trans-fats
But I fear I may be fighting
A losing battle with the news
It has become continually more depressing
That my well-honed and studied views
Seem less and less in line
With any policy or position
Some years ago, I’d just take a pill
But I’ve checked with my physician
Who says that everything comes with pages
Of fine-printed dire warnings
The least of which will ruin
My afternoons and nights and mornings
I’m hoping it gets better
So I can focus on the things
That bring goodness to my world
Like
When Griffin laughs or Zuzu sings
And maybe that’s enough
If not
I’ll meditate on when
Life seemed so much better
Than much that follows from
20 TEN

•Extra…Extra•

Haiti crumbled as the Earth shook
And still remains so, what’s the deal?
I’m sure Louisianans understand
How all those homeless Haitians feel
In New Jersey spirits are running high
Now that Rx pot’s the law
The Supreme Court watched animal cruelty tapes
And weren’t appalled with what they saw
And those same judges thought Citizens United
Made sense, for Petey’s sake
Now any corporation can buy an election
With the profits from the shit they make
The Burj Khalifa recently opened
Towering high above Dubai
Dr. Murray may have been the reason
That Michael Jackson had to die
Mining disasters everywhere
China, NZ and West VA
And those Chilean guys who luckily survived
To mine another day
Oh, and Chile had a big quake too
Though not like the Haitian mess
And some angry dude in Texas
Flew into the IRS
Floods flowed in Australia
An area bigger than all France
The Koreas were fraught with tension
Kim Jung-Il wears size 1 pants
A 6,000-year-old shoe was dug up
But without the foot or leg
The discovery of Haplocheirus emphatically proved
The chicken came before the egg
Action Comic No. 1
Sold for a million bucks
I think I threw one out when I was a kid
Which really…really sucks
A killer whale at Sea World
Lived up to its name
More pedophile priests, yet the Pope does nothing
Some things just stay the same
Al and Tipper have called it quits
Helen Thomas lost her gig
BP cut some corners here and there
And blew up an oil rig
Causing a gooey disaster for the whole Gulf coast
For the beaches, birds and fish
Which sadly will never be undone
By $20 billion and a wish
For safer drilling, (an oxymoron)
Instead of safer, cleaner fuel
Which we can expect the day after oil gets spilled
In every congressman’s home pool
Health reform was signed into law
Less than perfect by a mile
For now, it’s just confusing
And mostly makes insurers smile
And speaking of laws
There’s new finance reform
It’s OK to both ask and tell
And nine years later there’s help for responders
Who ran headlong into Hell
Credit cards are supposed to be fairer
Food might get inspected
And START was finally ratified
To keep fewer atoms from being dissected

Tea Partyers marched and ranted
And were heard in the election
Proving, (though most will argue the thesis)
The case for natural selection
Sarah Palin waved their banner
Signed with Fox News and basic cable
And said and tweeted the crazy shit in her head
Whenever she was able
Bristol Palin was on DWTS
Though she lost out in the end
Nearly giving my mother a stroke
From which she’s thankfully on the mend

Record rains in Rio and Southern Cal
Floods wiped out Opryland
The Midwest got soaked and then piled with snow
Laguna Beach has no more sand
Suicide bombs in Moscow
Kyrgyzstan’s government was overthrown
Australopithecus Sediba lived 2 million years ago
And was probably not alone
Faisal Shahzad put a car bomb in Times Square
But thankfully didn’t know how to blow it
Eddie Long seduced boys in an evangelical way
And swears to Christ he didn’t know it
Charles Rangel was censured for being ethically challenged
Facebook Nation passes 500 mil
Arizona enacts rules to curb immigration
Plus a crazy concealed weapons bill
Jordan Romero crested Everest
At only thirteen years of age
Apple passed Microsoft for #1
Because the iPad’s all the rage
Polish president, Lech Kaczynski
Died in a plane crash
Huge mineral deposits in Afghanistan
Could be worth piles and piles of cash
The Dept of Ag fired Shirley Sherrod
A dumb, departmental error
Chemical Ali was put to death
For his part in causing terror
David Cameron is the new British PM
After Brown was forced to quit
Alvin Greene is a homeless guy that ran for Senate
You just can’t make up this shit
The Shuttle Atlantis will fly no more
32 missions up in space
A toxic dump burst in Hungary
Leaking toxically all over the place
The “Barefoot Bandit” was a clever teen
Two years on the run
A Virginia woman was lethally injected
For killing her husband and step-son
CA Prop 8 was overturned
But wait…there’s an appeal
I guess someone needs to check with God
To see if gays are really real
Elena Kagan became a Supreme Court judge
Aung San Suu Kyi is finally free
General McChrystal was ousted from his Afghan post
For being less than he could be
Wyclef tried but won’t be Haiti’s Pres
Hef’s engaged to a new young bunny
Stephen Colbert told Congress about citizenship
Which they found neither smart nor funny
Kieron Wilson is a phenom
A fine artist, though only 8
United and Continental are merging
To become the largest airline you can hate
Steven Slater worked as a Jet Blue attendant
‘Til he’d had it up to here
Then he left his flight by the emergency chute
With a bottle or two of beer
A man in CA spent $45 bucks
For a box of Ansel Adams’ negs
A chairlift failed at Sugarloaf Mountain
But there were no broken legs
Prince William proposed to Kate Middleton, (yawn)
Mark Zuckerbeg’s Time’s Man-of-the-Year
Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert had a rally
To Restore Sanity and/or Fear
A parasite is what has been killing the bees
I hope they make it go away
There’s a slew of lunatic leaders in the world
But Gbagbo’s the most fun to say
A&P is bankrupt?
With all those shelves to fill?
Dilma Rousseff was an imprisoned guerrilla
Now she’s the President of Brasil
Moshe Katsav the disgraced Israeli Pres
Was convicted of a rape
It’s been snowing in all the wrong places
And it seems there’s no escape
Airports closed in Europe
People stranded for hours and hours
What the fuck are those deregulated controllers doing
In all their deregulated airport towers?

Wikileaks leaked…well, everything
Do you think that there might be
Some sensitive data about when I was deep undercover?
Oh…no…that wasn’t me

The 2010 mid-terms, what a fiasco
Witches and Nazis…oh my
If this is what democracy’s become today
Perhaps we ought to try
Something else for a while
A guru, a cult
It’s insane to do the same thing
And expect a different result
When your behavior’s the same
Time after time
I’ve blogged this in prose
But it’s somehow gentler in rhyme
We’re not being productive
We’re squandering our history
The signs glare around us
There’s really no mystery
As to what’s right or what’s wrong
These aren’t political choices
We are the people
And if we used our own voices
Instead of regurgitating the rhetoric
Of charismatic losers
Like TLC’s Palin
Or a slew of Fox Newsers
We could find our way through
Or
Maybe I’m wrong
Damn…that’s a great title
For a hit country song

•That’s Entertainment•

Avatar cost the most money to make
Then became the highest gross king
But James Cameron’s ex won the Oscar
I bet that had to sting
What was all that malarkey about Jay and Conan?
Was it just about ratings and money?
Anyway, Conan seems happy on TBS
And Leno’s back…but he still ain’t funny
Jim Carrey:Jenny McCarthy
David Arquette:Courteney Cox
Tweeting away…TMI
About romance on the rocks

ABBA, and The Hollies
Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil
Ellie Greenwich and Jeff Barry
Otis Blackwell for his style
The Stooges, David Geffen
Jimmy Cliff and Jesse Stone
Mort Shuman and The Stooges
And Genisis are all known
By their songs and by their talents
And now each and every name
Will be known as 2010 inductees
In the R&R Hall of Fame

Liberace’s museum has closed for good
Ricky Martin’s gay?
The Henry Miller is now the Sondheim Theater
On 43rd just off Broadway
Betty White was entertainer of the year
Larry King tearfully said goodbye
Glee overtook The Beatles on the Billboard Charts?
Maybe it’s time for those charts to die
Memphis and Red won Tonys
Quite an interesting pair
Beyonce and Taylor ruled Grammy night
And Hair lost by… a hair

Bob Barker gave $5M dollars
To keep whalers from their whaling
Louis Prima got a Hollywood star
How can MGM be failing?
Joe Brooks wrote You Light Up My Life
Then was charged as a sexual predator
Mel Gibson keeps spewing intolerant crap
He must have no internal editor
They left Farrah off the Oscar memorial
Shame on you AMPAS, you suck
Elton and Dave have a new baby boy
We wish the daddies and baby good luck
Maybe a Spiderman musical is a bad idea
So costly and dangerous too
Actors dropping like flies, (yummy for spiders)
But hey, it’s only in preview

•Good Sports•

Gilbert Arenas brought guns to the game
LeBron left Cleveland for Heat
Shaq was wearing Celtic green
But the Lakers were the team to beat
The Saints won Super Bowl XLIV
Duke and UCONN won Madness glory
Tiger’s divorced and he’s back playing golf
But his golf game’s a whole other story
Two perfect games in MLB
An ump took a third one away
The pitcher was cool, though the ump blew the call
Does anyone like that weasel…Jim Gray?
Isner d. Mahut, the longest tennis match ever
70-68 in the fifth set
Spain won the World Cup, the Giants the Series
‘Cause they were as good as the Giants could get
Jeter snuck by Ruth as the Yankees hit leader
A-Rod slammed six-oh-oh
Zenyata retired, but not undefeated
Her last race was just a bit slow
They said Wooden’s Bruins’ 88 straight wins
Would stand the test of time
But the UCONN women must not have heard about that
Because those women have scored 89
(90 actually…but, then Stanford beat them!)

•Family•

My Mom turned 90 and I’m happy to say
She’s still always on the go
And my brother Gary re-Married for real
Not like that dumb CBS show
Zuzu and Griffin are perfect, what else?
Rach and Peter seem amply content
T-L doesn’t hit me too hard, so I’m doing fine
But I still don’t know where last year went

•In Passing•

Casey Johnson was the Johnson & Johnson heir
Eunice Johnson gave Ebony style
Miep Gies had the attic and courage
To help Anne Frank hide for a while
Jean Biden was the VP’s mom
Glen Bell, the taco king
Tsutomu Yamaguchi survived both A-Bomb blasts
But finally died in the spring
Elizabeth Edwards lost her long cancer battle
I read it on some blog
Otto’s tail is no longer wagging
He was the world’s oldest dog
Edith Shain was the girl in Times Square
Who got kissed on V-J Day
Charlie Wilson gave the Taliban weapons
To keep the invading Red Menace at bay
John Murtha was a PA Senator
The first Viet Nam vet elected
Roy Neuberger was most well-known
For the art that he collected
Alfred Kahn was the father of deregulation
And one of Ron Reagan’s top boys
Frederick Morrison invented the Frisbee
One of the absolutely most wonderful toys
Alexander McQueen was a Brit fashion designer
John Leslie a famous porn star
Elaine Kaufman ran Elaine’s restaurant
And always hung out at the bar
Robert Byrd sat as Senator the longest
Ted Stevens wasn’t far behind
Alexander Haig once claimed that he was in charge
But he had actually lost his mind
Stewart Udall forged great interior policy
For our forests, air and streams
Jaime Escalante molded so many young minds
And encouraged all of their dreams
Jefferson Thomas was one of the Little Rock 9
Dan Rostenkowski the rep from Chi
Morrie Yohai invented Cheese Doodles
On the third or fourth Cheese Doodle try
Benjamin Hooks marched for civil rights
Dorothy Height marched right beside him
Daniel Schorr was on the Nixon ‘Hit List’
Because Tricky Dick could not abide him
Richard Holbrooke was the “bulldozer”
Edwin Newman read NBC’s News
Theodore Sorensen wrote, “Ask not, what you can do…”
And many more of Kennedy’s views

—

Eric Rohmer made his films in French
Teddy Pendergrass sang sexy and low
David Gerber was a TV producer
Who produced Angie Dickenson’s Policewoman show
Art Lokey brought Gumby to life
Clay-mation doesn’t get any better
Alex Chilton was one of The Box Tops
And the lead singer on “The Letter”
Peter Graves led the Mission Impossible team
Marva Wright belted the blues
Pernell Roberts was Adam Cartwright
And he also wore Trapper John’s shoes
Robert B. Parker wrote cases for Spenser
Corey Haim hung with the Brat Pack
Zelda Rubinstein acted scarily
And Doug Fleger had The Knack
Dick Francis wrote about jockeys and racing
Erich Segal wrote sappy Love Story
J. D. Salinger penned The Catcher in the Rye
A timeless allegory
David Brown produced Jaws for Spielberg
John Dankworth played a mean sax
Ed Thigpen and Jake Hanna swung on drums
On countless hot jazz tracks
Jerry Adler played harmonica
In Shane and in High Noon
Eddie Fisher had a scandalous life
But he could make the ladies swoon
John Forsythe was Charlie the Angels’ guy
Tom Bosley was Mr. C.
Meinhardt Raabe played the coroner of Munchkin Land
At a height of 3’-3”
Dede Allen edited action flicks
Michael Kuchwara criticized drama
Dixie Carter was a Designing Woman
From Tennessee, not Alabama
Lynn Redgrave was brilliant in Georgy Girl
And on and on and on
Doris Eaton Travis was a Ziegfeld Girl
And now the last of them is gone
Furio Scarpelli wrote movies like Il Postino
June Havoc was Baby June
Fess Parker was Davy Crockett
And then became Daniel Boone
Walter Sear played tuba and made odd films
And gave us a home for recording sound
Jimmy Dean sang “Big Bad John”
And sold his sausage by the pound
Arthur Herzog wrote works of fiction
Ernest Fleischmann ran the LA Phil
Mitch Miller got folks to sing along
Sometimes against their will
Art Linkletter could make Kids Say the Darnedest Things
Gary Coleman was a diminutive star
Rue McClanahan was a Golden Girl
Robert Wilson played bass guitar
Steve Reuther produced Pretty Woman
And Dirty Dancing as well
Ronald Neame directed The Poseidon Adventure
About the vacation cruise from hell
Marvin Isley sang with his brothers
Harvey Fuqua was in The Moonglows
Ilene Woods was Cinderella’s voice
Though hardly anybody knows
Dino DeLaurentiis produced movies
James Gammon’s voice was gruff and mean
Patricia Neal led a tragic life
But was pure magic on the screen
Suso Cecchi D’Amico penned Bicycle Thieves
Kenny Edwards played Stone Poneys guitar
Abbey Lincoln’s songs like her public life
Made you think about who you are
Tom Mankiewicz wrote scripts for Bond, James Bond
Walter Hawkins led gospel choirs
David Wolper produced Roots and award-winning docs
That chronicled heroes and liars
Maury Chaykin was an actor from Canada
Jose Saramago won a Nobel for writing
Irvin Kershner directed The Empire Strikes Back
With all that CG space travel and fighting
Tull Kupfer-berg founded The Fugs in the 80’s
Kate McGariggle sang folk with her sister
Fritz Sennheiser could make a fine microphone
With some string, spit and a transistor
George Weiss composed “What a Wonderful World”
Arthur Penn directed Bonnie and Clyde
Buddy Collette fought for everyone’s civil rights
With always a flute or a sax at his side
Paul Conrad was a Times cartoonist
Claude Chabrol helped direct the New Wave
Dennis Hopper acted in a psycho-like style
From Easy Rider to the grave
Robert Culp peaked early on TV’s I Spy
The best part that he ever had
Agathe von Trapp loved harmonizing
With her siblings, her Mom and her Dad
Kevin McCarthy ran from the Body Snatchers
Irving Ravetch wrote Norma Rae
Louis Auchincloss was a lawyer and writer
With an awful lot to say
Tony Curtis was the consummate movie star
I loved him in Some Like It Hot
Robert Boyle art directed Hitchcock films
Shot after awesome shot
Joan Sutherland sang like an angel
Solomon Burke sang rock & soul
Barbara Billingsley was the Beaver’s mom
And she never lost control
Jerry Bock and Joseph Stein
Put a Fiddler on the Roof
Steve Landesberg was an actor
A gentleman and a goof
Bud Greenspan used a camera
To make the Olympics come to life
Lina Romay sang with Cugat
But Charo, (not dead), was his wife
Don Van Vliet was Captain Beefheart
Fred Foy announced for The Lone Ranger
James McArthur was Danno on the original Hawaii 5-0
Where he never ran from danger
Blake Edwards was a comic genius
The Pink Panther, 10, The Party…
Bob Guccione was a porn merchant
Pretending to be arty
Johnny Sheffield was Boy in the Tarzan movies
Charlie O’Donnell announced the Wheel
Jill Clayburgh made us laugh and cry
Leslie Nielsen made us squeal
Alexander Anderson drew Rocky & Bullwinkle
And Natasha and Boris the spy
Albertina Walker’s powerful gospel voice
Lifted souls up to the sky
Teena Marie was the Ivory Queen of Soul
Myrna Smith was a Sweet Inspiration
Bernie Wilson of Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes
Played on every R&B station
I loved Jean Simmons in Guys and Dolls
Harold Gould was great in The Sting
Herb Ellis was a masterful jazz guitarist
But you wouldn’t have wanted to hear him sing
Lena Horne on the other hand could sing like a bird
Making every sung word sound so sweet
And every note played by the amazing Hank Jones
Was a magical musical treat
James Moody’s tone was heartfelt
Moody’s Mood was always light
Billy Taylor gave us years of virtuosic style
And volumes of insight

—

Juan Antonio Samaranch led the IOC
Nodar Kumaritashvili raced the luge
George Steinbrenner owned the Yankees
With an ego that was huge
John Wooden was the Wizard of Westwood
A legend on the court
Dottie Kamenshek was a Georgia Peach
And a pioneer in her sport
Manute Bol was an NBA giant
At 7’-7” or more
Bob Feller’s job was throwing a ball
So that the other team couldn’t score
Merlin Olsen was a Ram and a commentator
And an actor on TV
Sparky Anderson helped the Tigers
Be the best that they could be

•••

Keith Pellegri

•jOel•

Oprah’s into her last season
I’m more than a bit verklempt
Although I don’t buy all her bullshit
I’m, not emotionally exempt
She helps a lot of people
Her fame has geometrically grown
But will it follow her to basic cable
When she’s out there on her OWN?
No more hugging John Travolta
No more kissing Barbra’s ass
And Winona, please, excuse me
She can sing, but has no class
I hope we’ll keep the mag though
Our readers would sure miss us
Perhaps we’ll do some live in-store signings
So that some of them can kiss us

•Epilog•

So, 2011’s now in play
There’s little we can do about it
I’d like to think that we’ve evolved for the better
But honestly, I doubt it
Perhaps if you’re resolving
You could resolve to prove me wrong
I could live with that, in fact I’d be happier
To change the lyrics to my song
Maybe I’d get a gig on Glee
No…that would make me ill
And I’m sure there’s no cure for that over-tuned crap
No gargle, salve or pill
But, hey, I digress, I’m just trying to end this
And wish you all good cheer
Let’s be good to one another
And meet right back here next year

Peace!

Joel