Hey, Prez, it’s been a while since my last direct communique; a few of things:

• Aloha! I’m still confused as to why you were so mysterious about the birth certificate thing, but now that you’ve shared, maybe we can just move on to other banal and more racially volatile subjects like how in the hell did someone like you get into Harvard or what’s up with that old pot-smoking-pimp-hat-fro photo or why don’t we ever see you enjoying some finger-lickin’-good?
• Do you really think we’re accomplishing anything in Afghanistan or that anything about our middle east policy, (I know we don’t really have one), makes us safer or promotes the values the US is supposed to stand for? Get us the fuck out, NOW! Not in 2014 after slaughtering countless more on both sides, (by both I mean all seventy-three amorphous sides), spending obscene amounts of cash and perpetuating for untold future generations the impasse and distrust between Christians and Muslims.
• Tell the whiny, crybaby Republicans and anyone else moaning about deficits and taxes that you will not take part in stealing the hope that you have mentioned in every sentence since you became a public speaker. Dismantling health care, education, environmental protection, employment security and the basic dignities promised in our Declaration of Independence is a recipe for our undoing. I don’t want to sound alarmist, (well, actually, I do), but this is a very time sensitive matter. You must grow the biggest pair you can and announce an unwavering, (none of this compromising-across-the-aisle crap), agenda of a more perfect, fairer and inclusive future. This is not about reelection, (although I promise it will be a byproduct), and you have about sixty days before it’s too late to act.
• Stop wasting time responding to morons like Trump and Palin and Gingrich…oh, my. They’re not snake oil salesmen. They’re cartoon characters like Chicken Little and John McCain.
• One last thing. If you haven’t gotten anything for Will and Kate yet, a few of us are going to chip in and get them a bread maker to go along with the toaster from QE2. Let me know.

Still your buddy,

Joel