I come before you today as a candidate for absolutely nothing, but with much to say about practically everything. I have been energized by listening to and watching the growing gaggle of the politically hopeful with their diverse opinions based on questionable truths and even more questionable grammar. Since no elected official or announced candidate has come forth with an intelligent proposal to address the dire state of our Union with regard to jobs, health, education, housing, infra-structure, energy and the environment, I propose the following:

Jobs – Most of the real working people I know, (not the entertainment types like me who get paid for goofing around), are always talking about their time off, or their vacation or when they might retire. Well, you’re all retired…NOW! I can’t believe nobody ever thought of that.

Health – Wear a hat, eat less bacon, cover your mouth when you sneeze or cough.

Education – What you don’t know…can’t hurt you! Duh.

Housing – If you’re going to be homeless do it in a warm place.

Infra-structure – I really don’t know what this is but I think it’s got something to do with your skeleton, so it would fall under ‘Health’, (see above).

Energy – I find I get a boost from a Snickers® around 3:30 or 4:00 in the afternoon…I have friends, who would rather remain anonymous, who prefer Zagnut®.

Environment – The last time I was out in it, it seemed fine to me. What’s all the fuss?

If I was running for something, and like I said, I’m not, this would be my platform. I’d also preach my personal cockamamie gospel that trivializes or makes illegal the rights or even the existence of any group or individual that has ever pissed me off and I’d cover my ass by claiming that it was the word of god…so there!

Thank you for listening and god, (mine, not necessarily yours), bless you and the United States of America.