Dear Mitt,
First of all, don’t get all squirrelly about this personal communication. It’s true, that the rules require me to only talk directly to Efrey, (I still can’t get that penis-biting image out of my mind), but with the White House so close to being in my grasp, I simply don’t want to take a chance of being misinterpreted.
It’s a beautiful day on Kolob…actually, it’s a beautiful day every day on Kolob but you’re never going to get to enjoy it if you don’t get your shit together, (I’m using street vernacular strictly for emphasis). The fact that I let you be stupidly rich is not criteria enough for becoming President of the United States. Any moron, (not a typo), can become stupidly rich, especially if that moron’s father was already stupidly rich. It’s not like you invented or did anything beneficial to mankind, (Winter Olympics…really?). You are the luckiest man on Earth, (well, after Andrew Lloyd Weber), but if you don’t pay attention, in 44 days you will become a mere asterisk on the butt of American history, (and not the good kind of asterisk like Roger Maris).
Take a firm stand on something and go with it! When you contradict everything you say, (too often from the beginning to the end of the same sentence), your opponent can’t take a stand for you to then disagree with.
By the way, I was responsible for the leak of your forty-seven percent comment, (isn’t Jimmy IV cute?). Just remember, fifty-three percent is enough to win this thing and there are lots of other planets, (admittedly less idyllic than Kolob), for the rest of those slackers. Promise free rocket rides and snacks and you’ll win back a lot of votes that you’ve lost, (not that you’ve actually lost them, thanks to Republican redistricting and voter ID requirements, but people will rally around snacks…space travel may still be a grey area).
McCain didn’t use Obama’s middle name enough during his campaign. Hussein scares people. Say it a lot, and practice a kinda choking noise before you close off the hard ‘n’ at the end. (Study some tape of any Louis Farrakhan speech…that guy knows how to effectively mispronounce a lot of words).
Make a public appearance with you and Ann wearing only your magic underwear. It will make you seem humble and people really love celebrities in underwear. Look what it did for Marky Mark’s career.
Blow the shofar at the end of Yom Kippur services at Beth Shalom in Detroit. This will prove your commitment to Israel and show your musical side which, as you may recall, went a long way for Bill Clinton. (Just to clarify, blowing the shofar refers to the traditional ram’s horn instrument, not that inappropriate Monica Lewinsky deal). Never…ever…sing in public again!
Send everybody a check for $10K. (I hacked into your account in the Caymans and that will hardly put a dent in it). You can post date the checks to November 7th and cancel them if you don’t win. Still an option even if you do.
And where are those adorable Osmonds? Why isn’t Marie all, “Oh, Mitt, be my President!” or Donnie, “A little bit Presidential…a little bit Rock n Roll!”? I will intervene with some unexpected scary-thunder if you can’t close the deal…let me know. What am I saying? I’ll know.
Oh…and remove the pole from your ass!
Omnipotently yours,
Elohim