(This was pieced together from scribblings on several crumpled scraps of paper, cable bill remittance envelopes, law suit cover letters and hair product disclaimer literature found strewn around the recycle dumpster at the back of the White House.  I have taken the liberty to correct some of the grammar and spelling but have otherwise resurrected this ‘first draft’ from the actual hand-written notes of…I’m pretty, pretty sure…the current President of the United States.  If you saw or read his actual speech, whichever advisor(s) cautioned against delivering this version, may, in hindsight, be rethinking that decision…or not).

Hey, Jamboreers!  Look at this crowd!  It’s the biggest gathering of scouts ever…way, way biggest…by far, (written before the actual event…just sayin’).  But…whose idea was Jamboree?  That’s a little gay for scouts, don’t you think?  I’m thinking Boldleego sounds a lot more adventurous and manly.  You know, like in Star Trek when Captain Kirk says they should boldleego where no man has gone before?  Yeah…I think we should work on that.

I didn’t have time for scouting when I was a kid.  I was too busy thinking about building great things…great, great things.  Why take the time for knot merit badges or identifying poison ivy from some other harmless weed when I wasn’t going hiking in the woods anyway?  Although, knowing how to tie things up could have certainly come in handy from time to time…I’ll tell you that.  I wouldn’t mind hog tying that redneck, recuser Jeff Sessions…if you know what I mean.

How about your motto?  I think I tried a couple of the things, (that’s one crazy long list to memorize)…let’s see…I couldn’t quite get the hang of the ‘thrifty’ one, ‘brave’…questionable, ‘clean’…semantics, ‘reverent’…I don’t even get that one…show of hands…anyone get that one?, ‘loyal’…well, that can get you in trouble with the FBI director…believe me, I’m not sure if ‘wealthy’ or ‘powerful’ are in there…maybe it’s time for some revisions…whadya say?

But scouting…it’s great…right?  I mean think of all the old ladies that would have been creamed by the cross-town bus if it wasn’t for you guys.  And Thin Mints…what’s the world like without Thin Mints?  Sad…that’s what.  I’m not so sure about the uniform thing though.  It never really appealed to me.  That’s one crumby shade of green.  I even dodged my way out of the military because I couldn’t rock the clothes…well, there was also the shooting and the danger and the yucky food and having to obey a bunch of stupid rules…the pay sucked…and you have to spend so much time around people who are nothing like you.  It just wasn’t for me.  But…you all oughta sign up as soon as you can.  We need to kick some ISIS butt, and I can’t do it all by myself from behind a desk.  And, to any of you future Gold Star parents out there…I want to preemptively thank you for your sacrifice to this great country that I am making better and better every day.  Can you believe how much better I’m making everything?

What’s with that Reince Priebus?   How is that even a name?  He’s such an asshole!  He’s a leaker.  Big buckets and buckets of information leaker.  You should see all of the weird shit I make him do…polishing only half of each apple in the bowl in the Oval, (I like to watch which visitor bites the polished or unpolished side…says something about hygiene don’t ya think?)…calling me Big Papa President when we’re alone, Your Eminence during Cabinet meetings, or Kindly Uncle Louie when Baron’s around, (it makes him giggle)…standing behind me at State dinners and then eating my leftovers as the plates are being cleared away by the other servants…saying anything I tell him to on Meet the Press.  He’s such a kiss ass, but boring as hell.  I’ll be canning him any day now, just like I did to that other blow hole, Sean Spicer.  Spicer’s like the fat kid that wants to be your friend.  It’s like every day is initiation to some club and you can make him do or say anything you want.  What an idiot!  Now I’ve got Scaramucci, mostly ‘cause I love the look on his face when I blast the “do the fandango” part of Bohemian Rhapsody over the White House PA.

Oh…and how about my daughter?  There should be a merit badge for scoring a babe like her, I’ll tell you.

I’m doing such a great job as President.  No President has ever done such a great job.  They may have to make me the permanent President, because nobody’s ever going to be able to follow the job I’m doing…like Schwarzenegger killing the ratings of Celebrity Apprentice…loser!

Anybody check the Boy’s Life for fake news?  They come at you from all sides…witch hunters.  And watch your little khaki butts if you even talk to some Russian kid…they’ll be wanting to know what you spent your allowance on and why you keep wearing those long ‘red’ ties and where all of that deep investment money comes from for all of your failed real estate deals.  Next thing you know, they’ll be prying into your tax returns, that most private and personal information, sacred to all Americans and yours to keep secret as guaranteed by some Constitutional article or amendment or interpretation by some judge who might just be the next Supremey.

Oh…those pictures of me that the fake news guys keep posting where I look fat are all touched up with After Light.  It’s a cool app for making fun of people, but making the President look fat is against about 20 or 30 laws that could lead to prosecution for treason.  You could fry in the chair is all I’m sayin’.

Well, that’s it for now, unless you all want to volunteer to build the Mexican wall.  If you all grabbed a couple of bricks and some razor wire, we’d get that puppy in a week or two.

I’m not doin’ that stupid three-finger salute…so, dismissed…or take a hike!  Huh…that’s pretty funny…take a hike…who says I’m not hilarious?