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Secret Memo

4 Feb, 2018 //Blog //

In order to maintain complete transparency with regard to the following memo, it is important to point out, that despite my unwavering belief in the veracity of every literal, nuanced or seemingly exaggerated assertion, in compliance with the modus operandi of the Executive Branch, this was all pulled directly out of my ass.

Secret Memo – 4 February, 2018:  For Immediate Distribution

  • The sky is falling
  • You are getting drowsy…very, very drowsy. (This attempt to remotely hypnotize you is intended, strictly for entertainment purposes, to plant the subliminal message that DT is the wisest, most benevolent genius President…ever. If you are, in fact, currently under my power, you will awaken at the count of three, a devoted disciple of Herr Trump.  If, on the other hand, you have resisted being mesmerized, you may simply continue your dangerous, albeit majority belief that Donald John Trump is, by every specific and colloquial definition, a worthless piece of shit.  One…two…three!).
  • The President’s issue with the FBI can be directly traced back to a Puns & Anagrams 6 across clue in his most recent Weekly Reader: White lie by the Federal Police (3)
  • Trump’s Russian code name is “Мудак”
  • Stephen Miller is the chairman, treasurer, secretary and lone member of the Trump University Alumni Association, the bi-laws of which require him, as such, to be Donald’s naked sex slave until he achieves the success promised in the University’s recruitment flyer.
  • Nunes is Spanish street slang for: Despicable sack of mierda
  • Uh…has anyone noticed that the three-week CR to figure out how to keep the government operating is nearly over without any discussion except for that other memo?
  • If I was a billionaire, and I was a philandering, morally bankrupt sleazebag, even if I was a blubbery, combed-over tub of lard, I know I’d be able to do better than Stormy Daniels…just sayin’.
  • Trump Tower is infested with bed bugs.
  • A major Las Vegas sports book is taking bets on which Super Bowl team may throw the game so as to avoid an invitation to The White House.
  • Of all of the claims in the Christopher Steele dossier that have been denied by Trump and his army of flying monkeys, the “Golden Shower” item has not been among them. Ultraviolet scanning and use of NASA color-match technology both concur that Trump’s hair falls somewhere between the very specific tone variations, “Urine Yellow” and “Russian Whore Umber”. Curious.
  • No definitive answer yet, but forensic audio investigators will soon disclose their findings as to why Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ mouth is never in sync with the words supposedly coming out of it.
  • This probably doesn’t belong in a serious memo like this, but I can’t get over the nagging urge to punch Jack Kingston in the face.
  • And…despite those poignant “BREAKING NEWS!!!” adds on CNN about whether the banana is an apple…I still love me a nice, ripe banana. Am I a racist?