…and not to be overly snarky, but since the President can’t read and his devout followers either can’t or won’t, the damning revelations on every line of every page may, sadly, turn out to be the waste of time, money and human resources that Comrade Donnie has been claiming all along.  Or…even more disheartening, the fact that most of the egregious behavior was conducted in plain sight and has had little impact on the Stepford Party, leaves us only the meagre and angst-ridden thread of hope that the Democrats can unite around a singular candidate that will send our country’s most frightening nightmare packing in a “free and fair” election.

So, for those of you not as compulsively terrified as I, let me summarize both the simplified version that Bill Barr pulled out of his ass and the more than 400 pages of the still-too-redacted Mueller Report:

Barr, who auditioned for his new job by publicly assuring that he would be Goebbles…okay, okay, Roy Cohn to Donnie’s Joe McCarthy, is the new poster child for the end of American Democracy.  He has used his office as the end-all authority of juris prudence to purposely misrepresent the serial misconduct and traitorous behavior of the President of the United States and his rag-tag gang of misfits, including his sons and daughter and public enemy son-in-law.  His memo and press conference attempts at clarifying the content of the two-year investigation by the Special Prosecutor were both premeditated and predetermined whitewashes of some of the blackest claims ever made against a sitting President. Prior to the 2016 election cycle, before we drifted into the all-to-real Twilight Zone that even Rod Serling would find too preposterous to present for our consideration, any one of the thoroughly vetted, yet somehow unchargeable actions of Individual 1, would have brought him tumbling down.  Imagine if you will, (thanks Rod), Obama had fucked a porn star or Bush had sucked up to Putin or Carter had “lusted in his heart”…uhhhh, or Clinton had diddled an intern…oops, or Nixon had broken into the Democratic…well…you know what I’m getting at.

As for the actual Report…well, it took so long to reach its climax, that our uncontrollable and unapologetic Asshole-In-Chief had already tweetedly admitted to or acted out in public view, almost every, (and a shit pile more, not under the purview of the SP), accusatory claim.  It is meticulously thorough in its analysis and leaves no doubt that the President and a long list of his henchman were bad actors in almost every instance.  Though it does not rise to the level of indictable actions with regard to conspiracy with a foreign government, (what the fuck do you have to do to be a traitor these days?), it lays bare, on page after page, instances of unconscionable choices that brought that possibility woefully close to a courtroom.  Oh, and the AG’s interpretation of the Report’s view on obstruction of justice, (not dissimilar to his politically motivated stand on Iran-Contra), was most certainly a result of some random bacteria he ingested in the huge breakfast he must have scarfed down his fat, fucking face before he waddled out to the podium.  (I try…I really try).  Trump, without question, legal or otherwise, obstructed justice!  He gets a pass only because of some bullshit precedent that says a sitting President, even a criminal one, can’t be indicted.  Mueller, abiding by this, still laid out the case for obstruction, (almost as clearly as the President has himself), for the benefit of Congress to act accordingly…and we know how accordingly Mitch and Lindsey and company will act.

Or…as Fox News sums it up, Two-Year Witch Hunt Exonerates President on All Counts!