In this week’s episode of How to Become Speaker of the House, we tune in on some of the not-so-secret wranglings between McCarthy and the assorted fucktards that have now been sworn in as the majority of the 117th Congress.

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

McCarthy to his top aides:  “OK.  I’ve promised Marjorie the chair of the House Deportation Committee so, as long as no one let’s on that that’s not a thing…she’s in.  See what Gaetz and Boebert and Gosar and Biggs want.”

McCarthy loses votes 1, 2, and 3

Wednesday, January 4, 2023

Aides to McCarthy:  “No idea about, Gaetz, Boebert and Biggs, but Gosar wants to be able to shout Nigger, Kike, Nigger on the House floor, whenever he wants, without sanction.”

McCarthy:  “Sure…I can live with that.”

McCarthy loses votes 4-9

Thursday, January 5, 2023

Aides to McCarthy:  “Boebert wants to bring an assault rifle to work.”

McCarthy:  “I didn’t know there was a rule against that.  Tell her yes.  Uh…wait!  You don’t think she wants to shoot me, do you?  Oh…fuck it…say yes anyway!”

McCarthy loses votes 10-11

Friday, January 6, 2023

Aides to McCarthy:  “Not looking good, boss.  Gaetz doesn’t seem to know what he wants, although he’s been collecting resumés of 15-year-old teen-aged girls from a dark web site.  Biggs says he’s good if you salute him and drop and give him 20 every time he walks by.”

McCarthy:  “These are consenting 15-year-olds…right?  Oh, and see if Biggs is good with 12.  No way I can do 20.”

McCarthy loses votes 12-13 

Recess until 10pm

Aides to McCarthy:  “We think we’re good.  There’s nothing more on the list to give away.”

McCarthy:  “Get them all Taylor Swift tickets!”

McCarthy loses vote 14 after Gaetz votes ‘Present’.  Mike Rogers of Alaska has to be restrained from attacking Gaetz on LIVE TV

Aides to McCarthy:  “Stumped, boss.”

McCarthy:  “Tell them all they can do whatever the fuck they want.  Let Boebert know that using her AR15 to shoot me is no longer a deal breaker.  Yes, I will literally kiss Matt’s ass on Fox and Friends.”

Aides to McCarthy:  “Anything else?”

McCarthy:  “Oh, fuck it!  Throw my mother and one of my kids under a bus!  Let’s get this thing done!”

McCarthy becomes speaker after vote 15