The blissfully hurricane-shortened, (I don’t mean to imply here that anything about Isaac, other than lopping a full day off of the convention schedule, is anything but tragic), gathering of the Fairy Dust Party provided a smorgasbord, (all-you-can-eat where Chris Christie was concerned), of self-serving speakers, whose topics and agendas seemed to lack a cohesive ideological thread other than the mention of Mitt, and occasionally, even that was as an afterthought or footnote to some quaint anecdote about themselves. Although the instantaneous media response provided amusing, (that Wolf Blitzer is such a hoot), banter, as an engaged citizen, I watched intently to be able to parse the meat versus the empty rhetoric. So, as a public service for those of you who may have missed any of the important speeches from the podium of the GOP convention in Tampa, I offer the following synopses:
Rience Priebus, GOP chairman – I didn’t really pay attention to him, and, truth be told, the GOP and the media seemed to keep him pretty much in the background. I think this is primarily because no one can say his name without chuckling
Artur Davis – Opportunistic shape-shifter auditioning for a role on True Blood. Hey, Arty, I hear there are entry level counter openings at Godfather Pizza in the likely case that things don’t work out for you in politics.
Ann Romney – I thought that she was sweet and by far the most genuine, (except for maybe the bullshit about the ironing board table and being poor), of anyone who addressed the convention. It seems that she and Mitt have a beautiful marriage, a loving family and that she has faced the kinds of struggles that riches, (and, apparently, magic underwear), cannot shield one from. She is, after all, just the wife, but what was missing from her heartfelt, school-girl-giggly performance, was a hint of real concern for others…but sweet.
Chris Christie – I’m not sure about this, but I heard that his entire career has been focused on a tireless quest to beat out William Howard Taft as the country’s fattest president. As keynote speaker at a political convention, and again, I could be all wet here, the expected theme would be the sate of the Party and the outline of the Party’s Platform. Governor Christie, having the good sense not to dwell on the fractured chaos of his Party, (knowing this could stall, if not de-rail his date with Guinness-record destiny), spoke instead of his way cool record as New Jersey’s tough-love-head-honcho…and oh yeah, later…much later…he mentioned we should vote for Mitt. The Platform he chose not to address is available on-line, (everyone who can read, should read it). It underlines just how cleverly out of touch Republicans have become. While disenfranchising women, gays, foreigners, non-Christians, environmentalists, the poor and anyone seeking a non-evangelical education, just to name a few, (hundred million), it is peppered with enough bones to appeal to the rabid, singularly focused dogs who have gravitated toward the Party. There are specific and implied references to success being anyone’s prize who “works hard and obeys the rules”, (a blatantly pandering appeal to those who love prizes), but my favorite is that the drafters of this Orwellian doctrine felt the gun-toting need to include, as an inalienable right, that every American should have access to ‘extended load magazines’ to minimize the bothersome need for constant reloading, (I admit to coming to the “bothersome need” part on my own, but I really tried to find an alternative, and that’s all I got).
John McCain – The bumbling fool whose political career was built on his ability to survive captivity, gave us Sarah Palin, (missing entirely from these proceedings), and shamefully couldn’t find a way to beat the black guy, thinks that we are not fully enough committed militarily and since Obama won’t bomb Iran…vote for Mitt.
Condoleezza Rice – She used better words to say the same things that McCain said, but her eyes kept darting around like she was walking down a dark alley in the Haight, and I was too distracted to pay attention to anything else. I’m not sure why she would put herself in such a precarious position, being one of a handful of black faces in a crowd of half-toasted, screaming red-necks. She’ll definitely need to get away for some R&R…maybe to her new club. Perhaps she mentioned Mitt…I can’t say for sure.
Paul Ryan – Bald faced, lying cheese head. As the most high-rising golden boy of the Tea Party, he epitomized the absurdity of the movement that has been manipulated by corporate-financed sloganeering to rally around policies contrary to their own common good…and I think it’s obvious that he doesn’t like Mitt very much.
Clint – Hey, you pinko Democrats! We’ve got big time Hollywood celebrities too. (Oh, and we’ll see your Springsteen and raise you a G. E. Smith). I like Clint. Worked for him…enjoyed his films…but it seems he took the shoot-from-the-hip and Mr. Chair Man thing a bit too literally. I don’t think the Writer’s Guild will have the balls to jump on the opportunity while Clint is still making movies, but somebody should point out that there’s a reason why actors speak lines scripted by professionals. Clint did mention Mitt, (I think a couple of times), but in context, it was hard to tell if he was using a bad German accent for the word “with” or if he….doesn’t matter.
Marco Rubio – Did he confess that his grandfather smoked illegal Cuban cigars? And, if he was going to be allowed to blatantly begin his run for the White House at Mitt Romney’s convention, they should have let him wear his
RUBIO
2016!
button?
Mitt – It’s possible that his real speech got left in the center console of his Hummer and that the new car elevator in his house got stuck between floors, (been there), and so he just had to wing it. Mitt makes Al Gore seem relaxed and ass-pole-less in comparison. To be fair, I buy all of the family and friends stuff, but from his cultish religion to his unscrupulous approach to business and his embrace of his rich man’s entitlement, this is not the man to represent the people…his people, maybe…but not,
We, the People *
*Just a note to all of the Republican candidates as they move forward into the heart of the campaign. The “…endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights…” line is from the Declaration of Independence, a document written eleven years before the Constitution of the United States of America which clearly ‘declares’ the need for the separation between church and state to insure Equality and Liberty for all people.
FYI: I’m visiting my Mom and so I’ve been trying to curb my use of the F-bomb, saving it for more appropriate moments like road rage or, (for those of you who understand), when engaged in mortal combat with inanimate objects.