I’m probably not supposed to be writing to you. Besides, I keep hearing your leaders calling for the annihilation of all Jews, of which I am one, and death to America, where I live, and that you’ve been busting your ass to get a nuclear weapon, which I’m totally against even though we, (Americans, that is), have the biggest pile of. I’m not sure why we still have them since everyone knows we won’t use one because we’re not murderous heathens. Not that I’m implying that you are murderous heathens, although you certainly act like it sometimes. Anyway, I would imagine that there are some State Department rules about fraternizing with the enemy, (some scary un-American activities thing like the 1799 Logan Act that could get me water-boarded or worse), yet I’m willing to take the risk, if only to give you a heads up on the cockamamie note you received from Tom Cotton and 46 of his buddies. Sure, they are all United States Senators and you would think they might have something important to say, but they are also all Republican Senators who have honed the art of having nothing important to say to an exacting science. I might also point out that the combined IQ of this group is on a par with a half-eaten gift basket of spoiling fruit and without the aid of grammar and spell check, their communiqué would never have been coherent enough to translate into that throat-clearing thing you use for language. Look, Ranny, we’re just not going to let you wrap your hands around the big bomb, (I say “we” in an indeterminate sense, as I am not really part of any group that has sway over much of anything). So, get the most you can out of the on-going negotiations, take a couple of baby steps closer to the 21st century, take your left foot out and shake it all around and do the Hokey Pokey and turn yourself around. Oh, and feel free to call or write if you are bothered any further by that boob from Arkansas or any of his fellow boobettes.
Sincerely
Joel
PS – you were so cool when you were Persia…what happened?