On Friday night, I went to see The Amazing Kreskin, (I know, I thought he was dead too, but no, he’s still doing his schtick…although he did blow his big closing bit where he has audience members hide his paycheck which he agrees to forfeit if he can’t intuit its location…ooops…there’s a possibility that Terri-Lynn broke him by trying to snap a photo).  The smallish audience in the intimate Comedy Works club in Saratoga Springs was amply awed and amused by his unsettling ability to poach people’s thoughts and memories.  My mind, though un-poached during the performance, suddenly began to tingle, as some time later, I nestled into my Tempur-Pedic and became aware of a loud, clear, all too familiar voice resonating above the other voices normally responsible for the non-stop cacophony in my head.  I don’t usually subscribe to unscientific nonsense, but I was certain that I was experiencing a Freaky Friday or Big mind transference, possibly a result of The Amazing’s psychic manipulations coupled with my unfiltered obsession with Herr Presidente.  Anyway, I’m tellin’ ya, I could hear his thoughts…loud and clear.  It only lasted a short while, but I wrote it all down.  This really happened…honest.

2:02am…who cares?  I just push a button and someone brings me an Arby’s in about six minutes.  Arby’s, what a great sandwich.  So many sauces…I love those sauces.  Kim Jung Haircut doesn’t get that kind of service.  And he’s got those puny little nukes…and his rockets keep blowing up…I did that…shhhhhh…not allowed to brag about it, (#IblewupUn’srocketnananananana)…and why do they keep picking on me because of the direction of my aircraft carrier?  This isn’t Stratego…even though I’m the best at Stratego, a Grand Master Strateoist…ask anyone.  (#Strategowizard)  Anyway, Ivanka says the world is round, so, really, every direction is the right direction eventually., right?  Ding Dongs are delicious…why would anyone waste their time on Oreos?  (#Creamfilleddevilsfoodcake)  I’ve gotta fix health care and taxes this week…harder than I thought…maybe I shouldn’t have said “Believe Me” so much, (#Onlyicanfixit).   People are loving me more and more every day…they came out strong in Georgia…that was all me, (#IsavedGeorgia).  Weird Sarah came to visit with the two greatest musicians of all time, Mr. Rock and a crazy-eyed dude…Tom Nougat or something like that, (#WhosthebigdaddyofrocknrollnowBarack).  Oh, O’Reilly, what have you done?  You gotta know when to grab ‘em, buddy, (#Pussygrabbinsanart).  

2:06am…I feel like waking up my Jew son-in-law and my nazi BFF and watch them go at each other for a few rounds., (#WWFPOTUS).  If I could figure out how to make that a reality show, I’d make so much money that I might even be able to release my tax returns…nobody cares about my tax returns, (#I’mworthbillionsandbillions).  But, I hope Jeff gets that Wikileaks guy before he releases them…or the piss tapes…best time I ever had in my life…hard to think it could be used against me, (#Goldenshowersinagoldenpalace, #Nice).  Vlad…you promised…you and me…ruling the world…making it unlivable for all of our enemies…and then you, Me, Ivanka and a few other hand-picked procreators will be heading off to colonize Mars, (#Robbietherobot)…I should get NASA to build some super tricked out Mars houses, (#Marschic)…people are loving that I love NASA. 

2:11am…I’m bored…”Rance…Ice Cream!…Now!”  He’s such a dweeb…keeps telling me that I need to fill the remaining two or three hundred staff positions.  I tell him, “Everything’s going great…everyone loves me…the economy’s surging…I dropped the MOAB on ISIS.  Note to self:  get someone to ghostwrite that book.  I should build the wall…”Rance…let’s start building the Wall…maybe Wednesday…do I have anything Wednesday?”, (#Takethatyoufuckingwetbacks).

2:13am…Mar a Lago…everybody loves it…everybody.  And the government’s paying millions to make me comfortable and keep me safe down here.  I don’t get any of that money, (#breadandbutterbreadandbutter), heh, heh, heh.  I love the chocolate cake…it’s the best…so good that the Chinese stopped manipulating their currency and agreed to take out North Korea for me…only took ten minutes, (#bestnegotiatorever).  I’m shooting scratch golf.  I’m the best president golfer…ever!  Rance is my caddie.   “Rance…I said Ice Cream!”

Then, it stopped and I fell asleep.