Congratulations! We at 23 & Me are happy to report that we have successfully analyzed your DNA. We apologize for the need of a second sample, but after careful scrutiny, our lab determined that your first submission was, indeed, a swab of the exterior, (we thought “interior” was more than merely implied in our literature), of your cheek and, although there were trace elements of your unique genetic material, the dominant contents of that collection, (ketchup, lollipop, mud pie and a veritable potpourri of…and you can be somewhat assured that our scientifically liberal-minded staff is regularly encouraged to maintain a modicum of confidentiality…pre-pubescent semen), compromised our filtering process which is not sophisticated enough to parse your helixes from those of say, little Tommy’s or young Billy’s. The results from the follow-up sample, the collection of which more closely adhered to the cartoon diagram included in the easy-to-use DIY kit, are as follows:
78% Neanderthal
11% Druid
4% Baboon
3% Bloody Fucking Asshole
2% Weasel
2% Putin
The characteristic traits of this mix may explain the involuntary drooling and scraped knuckles described in the ‘Personal Concerns’ section of your profile. Most of your comments regarding incongruous social behavior may be attributed to your BFA propensity, which, although seemingly small by percentage, can be exaggerated by your environment, in particular, familial interaction.
We regret that we were unable to officially authorize the testing of the two additional swabs you included. Our procedures must follow a forensic chain-of-evidence protocol and your request for the three-fer discount is contrary to…well, everything we stand for. However, Larry, one of our interns and a pre-science major at the prestigious University of Phoenix, was intrigued by the creatively labeled, Saran Wrapped®, tube sock-packaging, (people still wear tube socks?), and, for extra U of P credit, and on his own dime, filed the following supplemental, (neither sanctioned nor endorsed by 23 and Me), report:
Specimen labeled, “ET”
Ha, ha, ha, Mr. Jr. The obvious reference to the classic sci-fi movie should have been a tip off, but, as I’m sure you’re aware, there were no traces of human DNA in this sample. The only explanation I can attribute to such a polluted and murky gene pool would result from something as depraved as the Russian sex tape I watched, (you know, the one where they dressed the star up to look like your dad, although he was wearing a spiked, leather mask?), with my BFF, Jerome, who downloaded it from the Dark Web. I can’t share any details, because Pastor Phil says I’ve got a lot of repenting to do to keep from going straight to Hell.
Specimen labeled, “DADDY”
They don’t allow me to touch a lot of the equipment around here, like most of the cool whirring/spinny science stuff, but I’ve become pretty good with that multiple eye-dropper thing that you always see in every TV ad about DNA research and, when you use it to dribble some chemicals onto a test swab, the changing colors indicate trace substances. In this case, I found crazy amounts of Propecia®, so much so, that it masked any further progress. However, because I want to be helpful, according to the microscopic text included with the package of this hair-growth-inducing treatment, (I bought some using my student discount), cautionary side effects of usage include:
Tube sock analysis:
This sock has been relentlessly laundered using Tide® with Fabreze Touch of Spring®, but it still contains a multi-year, (perhaps 30 or more), chronological map of your ejaculate. (According to Pastor Phil, you should have gone blind years ago). I don’t know if you have kids, (I suppose I could Google that), but, if you do, with a sperm count this low, they most certainly are not yours.
I hope this has been helpful. If you’re ever in Mobile, drop by for a hug.
Sincerely,
Your Friends at 23 and Me